As I approach my 60th birthday and look back on my life, I don't see just one life. I see three. The person that I am today is not the same person I was in my youth, nor in the middle portion of my life.
When I look at the first 20 years of my life, I see a little tomboy that loved to shadow her dad and granddad. I see a hurt little girl that silently tried to deal with the experience of sexual abuse. A little girl that lived an internally solitary life. She played with her cousins and her animals, went to school, did all the normal things, while always feeling separate and different.
I remember a teenager that was very alone. I was bullied mercilessly at school and at home. I remember a girl that wore lot's of makeup to hide behind. I remember feeling angry and bitter and useless. I especially remember the impact of my grandfather's suicide. I often considered it myself, but he saved me as I knew that pain that it left behind. But then at 20, I found Jesus in a new and personal way.
From then on my life was different. I was not alone. A new phase began. Although I took a lot of wrong turns and went through some hard times, he always carried me through. I made some lifelong friends that have also carried me through and are still there for me today. I met my husband and became a stepmom. I worked from the age 19 until I had to quit due to my health at 52. He carried me through the adjustments of a blended family and the stressors of work. I have met some amazing people through being involved in Christian groups and have grown exponentially along the way.
In the last few years, I feel like I have grown significantly more through the ACTS program, through my prayer group, through my own exploration and self-reflection. I feel like I finally am becoming myself and being whom He created me to be. I have enough confidence now to not let anyone make me feel less than. I have a peace within me that knows what I know. I know that the Lord had created me to be me and that He has provide me with all I need. I know that I still have a lot to learn and a long way to go. Through the ACTS retreat I attended, I know how deeply my God loves me and how He loves me right where I am as I am. Does that give me a pass? No!? It only makes me want to be better, to do more in order to glorify His name.
As I go forward into this phase of my life, I will continue to rest in my faith and my trust in God no matter what comes my way. I will continue to lean on Jesus when I grow weary. I will continue to look to the Holy Spirit for guidance and rejoice with Him when things go well. I can see where this Holy Trinity has been with me all along. God, The Father in the beginning. Jesus, The Lord throughout, and The Holy Spirit carrying me on!
To God Be The Glory!!!
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