Old Lady

I don't feel like the age of 60, which is what I am, to be old.  I used to think that my parents were old at that age, but now that I am, I no longer think this.  However, I am unfortunately having to face the fact that I am getting older physically.  Due to my chronic illnesses I feel much older.  I often told people that I feel like I am 30 on the inside, I am 60 by the calendar, but now I feel like I am 80.

My energy level is very low.  My stamina minimal.  My pain level high.  My mental capabilities slowed.  Sounds like an aged person; an old lady, huh!  Well it stinks!  One that doesn't have the energy or desire to do things that came naturally to her all of her life.  I know that everyone gets older but I feel that I am aging much faster than I would normally.

It is so frustrating, depressing, and discouraging to want to be who you used to be and you just don't have what it takes to get there.  It is the same when you want to be more that you have ever been and just don't have it in you.  Study?  I can't hardly read an article and definitely struggle reading books, because my brain can only absorb so much at a time.  For someone that used to be an avid reader, it's unbelievable.  Now I even am struggling singing due to a weakened vocal cord!  Singing is like breathing to me.  How do you not breath?  How do you not sing?  I have no idea!  It's like losing part of my soul.

In other words, I have lost myself to illness and age!  It does STINK!

Rollercoaster Ride

Living with chronic illness is like a rollercoaster ride.  Not the small carnival coaster, but the big giant rollercoasters that create screams, tears, and vomit.  You never know what's up ahead around the next curve.  Will it take you up or down?  Will it slow or speed up?  Will it tilt side to side or make you feel like your about to fly out and die?  How long will it last?  Will it ever stop?

You approach the coaster with trepidation, not knowing what to expect.  You get off the coaster with the relief of being back on solid ground.  You may get sick to your stomach at the experience you just had.  Does that sound like fun?  Maybe it is in an amusement park.  It is not fun, when you live it every day.

What most people don't realize that there are many of us walking around, looking normal, doing normal things who live this way.  We are not disfigured.  We are not walking with a cane or walker, not riding in a wheelchair.  However, disabled we are.  But because we look like everyone else, it is assumed that we are not in pain, that we are not fatigued, that we are not battling depression, that we are not struggling with brain fog, that we are capable of everything a healthy person can do. We are judged when we don't do the things that others can do.  We are judged to be lazy, unmotivated, disorganized, even stupid or crazy.

Those of us that suffer from chronic fatigue, rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia, and other autoimmune and systemic diseases have the same want to as anyone else.  They just can't always do.  They have dreams of doing new things and going to new places.  They just can't always fulfill those dreams.  They have needs of maintaining a healthy weight by exercising and eating right.  The just don't have the energy to exercise, dread having additional pain on top of their existing pain, and they eat comfort foods to sooth themselves in their depression over their illness.  They are then judged again for not being strong enough to overcome these things.

Those of us with these hidden illnesses grieve.  We grieve the person we used to be.  We grieve the effects it has on our lives.  We grieve the loss of respect from other people.  We grieve the impact it has on those around us.  We grieve the dreams for the future that are lost.  We grieve the life we hoped to have being able to travel, to be able to learn knew things, to be able to handle grand babies without fear.  We grieve being left out of things because people don't know if they can rely on us.  We grieve the lack of understanding and compassion from others.

We don't want pity.  We don't want you to feel sorry for us.  We want to be understood.  We want to be trusted when we explain ourselves to you.  We want to be loved and encouraged.  We want acceptance of this version of ourselves.  We want to do the best we can with what we have even though sometimes we can't.  We want to get off of the rollercoaster of pain and fatigue.  We want to be our "normal selves".  We can not be the old normal and have to accept our new normal as best we can.  It would be nice just to maintain a level track without the constant surprises around the bend.   It would be nice just to be back on level ground.

PILING ON

I have to admit that I have not been up to blogging.  I have to admit that I am not feeling my most positive self.  I have to admit that I have been letting things get me down.

What are those things?  My health issues.  Besides the fibromyalgia I was diagnosed with in 1994 and the proceeding rheumatoid arthritis diagnosis soon to follow along with chronic fatigue.  I have endured a number of maladies along the way.  I have had to have multiple surgeries, one of which was to remove the left lobe of my thyroid.  Hence, my recent diagnosis of hypothyroidism!  I now have to take a medication (synthroid) to compensate.  I know lots of people that take it and most have had issues about regulating the dosage.  Something else to deal with.

For those of you that don't know, fibromyalgia is a condition that causes widespread pain throughout the muscles of the body.  Just recently they have concluded that it has to do with a cell that is in the blood vessels that deals with pain perception.  Fibromyalgia patients have more of the blood vessels therefore more of these cells, therefore more pain.  It is not in our heads!

Rheumatoid arthritis is an autoimmune disease in which the body attacks the joints.  It is painful and can be debilitating.  Luckily there are medications that slow down the progression of the disease.  The chronic pain of this and the fibromyalgia also cause extreme fatigue.  I have had to have shoulder and foot surgery due to the arthritis.  I also had a hysterectomy to alleviate that pain and other symptoms so I didn't have that piling on of misery.

I have gone to chiropractors, physical therapy, massage therapists, holistic therapists, specialists, etc.  One specialist was the head of rheumatology in New Orleans at Oschner's.  He asked about my job and told me that if I went back to it that the stress would kill me.  He said that my body could not handle stress.  At the time, I was so fatigued that I could barely make it through the week and had to rest each night and all weekend.  I had no life and could hardly hold myself upright.  I resigned the following week.

Not long ago, I began having chronic lower back and hip pain.  An MRI revealed that I have a bulging disc at L4/L5 and arthritis in my vertebrae.  I had 3 lumbar injections which did not help.  I have been doing physical therapy for months now.  I get some relief but then the least little thing flairs it up again.  I just started a new round of PT just to try to keep the pain somewhat under control.

Here of late, I have been feeling very fatigued and now understand that it is the hypothyroidism on top of my regular fatigue causing this.  I sure hope the medicine helps otherwise I may have to cut back on the things I do again. NO!!!

It seems that just when I am trying to do better as far as exercise and diet, something else hits me.  I have been going to a place that works with you on fitness adapted to your medical conditions and nutrition with the goal of reducing inflammation in the body and to lose weight.  I have lost 20 lbs since April.  I have  improved in several areas that they measure as in balance, flexibility, and so forth.  I will continue to go there to strengthen myself and to lose weight in hopes that that will help me to move better and have less back and leg pain.

As usual I try to push through and continue to do the things I need to do.  Sometimes I just need to shut it down.  I would love to right now but I have made commitments to others and want to follow through.  I try not to get discouraged, but right now that's where I am.  As I've said before, I will have my pity party and then pull myself up by the bootstraps and keep on keeping on.

Although I don't understand the reason for all of this, I trust that The Lord with bring me through it.  I just pray that I can do so with grace.  Right now I don't feel so graceful and feel like I am at the bottom of a dog pile!

I will go on.  I will persevere.  I will lift my head, eventually.

COMMITMENT

I hesitate to speak of commitment here since I have not been diligent about writing each day.  Not to make excuses but I have had limited amounts of energy and have been having difficulty putting my thoughts together.  Hopefully that will improve shortly!

Back to commitment.  What is a commitment?  Is it the one you make to your spouse when you marry? Of course.  Is it the one you make to your employer that you will show up each day?  Hopefully.  What about when you tell someone that you will get something done; will show up for some event; will pray for them.  These absolutely should be.

I have to say that I have not always lived up to this.  I have to say that often my health issues have gotten in my way.  I have to say that I have let people down in the past.  I also have to say that I am doing my best to do a much better job of living up to my commitments.  Something else I have learned is to not make a commitment I am unsure I can keep and/or to express that to the person asking.  It is okay to say no and also to say maybe.

There are some situation where you must be able to be very clear as to whether or not you can commit and if so, do it.  When you tell a friend that you are available to help at anytime or to listen anytime, you need to follow through, you need to take that late night call.  If you commit to care for someone that's ill or grieving or whatever, you need to show up.  If it's to provide a meal, do your best and deliver.  Whatever that need is, you must keep that commitment and give your best.

If you resolve to lose weight and get healthier, that is a commitment to yourself.  If you resolve to forgive those that have hurt you, work on it.  It's a process not the flipping of a switch.  Persevere, pray, and find your way there.  It is also a commitment to yourself, not to who you need to forgive.  It is very freeing and allows you to look to the future and not the past.  If you sign up for a workshop, a committee, the choir, a team, etc., be there.  People are counting on you.  Again, it will help you in developing a reputation of being dependable.

If you commit to God, pursue Him in all you do.  He has already pursued you and will continue to no matter what you do.  Give Him the same kind of commitment (as far as is humanly possible).  We can never out give Him.  If you commit to a relationship with Him, spend time with Him.  Talk to Him.  Listen to Him.  If you say you love Him, let Him love you back.  When you do this, you can then share His love with others.  Through this and all you do, glorify The Lord.  This is the most important commitment of all and in this you can become a true disciple of Christ.  The more you love Him, the more of your life you will commit to Him.

If you commit to doing and being the best you you can be in Christ, His love will fill you to the full and carry you through life in both the good and bad times.  I have been with Him on the mountaintop and He has been with me in the pit.  He has shown His love to me and He has pulled me out of the valley of victimhood.  He gives me love, strength, courage and peace!

Deut 6:5 You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.

Now that's commitment!

WHO? WHAT? WHEN? WHERE? WHY?

The last several days, I have been pondering on what it is I needed to say here.  I have come up with a lot of different topics, but I will try to pull it together here.

First,  I wanted to write about "Being Me"; me with two of my main traits of being passionate and being honest.  Many would say too passionate and too honest.  But these are what make me "me".  When I feel anything, I feel it deeply.  If you ask my opinion or advice, you will get my honest opinion, not just what you want to hear.  There has been both judgement and appreciation for my intensity and for my truthfulness.  Often misunderstood, I have done my best to remain true to who God made me to be.

Second, I wanted to talk about being a Spiritual Being having a Human Experience.  Quite frankly, the human side can often be difficult with heartaches, sickness, tragedies,  and just the world in general.  I would call it "sucky" at times.  I would call it downright confusing when things happen that you can possibly understand with human rationality.  Something like a four month old getting brain cancer!  Impossible!  But the spiritual side, is a different story.  It is the divine and the sublime. It is the direct connection with one's maker that through all of the confounding, challenging parts of life, gives you strength and peace to carry you through the tough times.  It also moves you forward in your journey towards the Creator!  It gives you the courage you need to step out in faith and challenge yourself to step out of your box to further the Kingdom of God.

Third, when does one become "old".  I used to think that 40 was old.  Now I'm 60, so what does that make me.  As I get older and more mature, I hope, I realize that you may age physically, but inside you are still the same person.  It is just the container that gets dented and rusty.  The you inside changes and matures, but it doesn't "age".  You are who you are regardless of the numbers of years you have lived.

Just found out that I'm have hypothyroidism.  One of the systems, inability to focus.  No wonder I have had such a hard time writing.  I hope to do a better job in the days to come.

What About Prayer?

I had a friend ask me a question about prayer that got me to thinking about it.  "If God knows everything and has a plan already for your life, what's the point of praying?"  Someone said that you shouldn't ask Him for things to work out the way you hope.  

Not that I have done extensive research, but I have gone to the experts/ mystics that I know of and look to for direction.  Julian of Norwich,  Merton, Richard Rohr, Bishop Robert Barron.  From some a what they say on prayer, here is my assessment.  

Prayer is about a relationship with God, about union with God.  He does know all but wants us to come to Him in love with all of our nakedness and vulnerability.  We should approach Him with trust knowing that it is all in His hands, but He wants us to share our feelings, our fears, our desires, etc.  But we also need to listen and hear Him when He says all will be well because He is in control.  

Why would we have petitions in church if we weren’t suppose to petition Him for our needs?  Why would we pray to the Blessed Mother if we weren’t suppose to ask for her intercession in our needs?  Why do we pray to the saints, if not to get help in getting our prayers answered?  Why would we go to one another for intercessory prayer?  

I am in conversation with Him all day.  Granted I don’t spend enough time in contemplative prayer, but I’m working towards that.  Also, why would we go to Him in adoration were it not to lay it all out at His feet?  We must first come to Him with trust, thanksgiving, and worship.  But we are His children.  If prayer to Him about our concerns is what we need, would He deny us?  The bible says no, He would not deny us.  

Prayer is a very personal thing that is at the core of your relationship with God.  I believe that we all need to find our own way to communicate with The Lord and to listen for direction from Him as to if we are getting it right.  If you truly go to Him in sincerity of heart, that’s all He wants.  To love you and to be loved.  He sent Jesus to die for us so that He could be in relationship with us.

Is there so much more to say about prayer?  Absolutely.  Is there so much more for me to learn about prayer?  Definitely!  I look forward to that part of my journey and to continuing my conversation with my Father, my Poppa.  He places me on His knee for our chats.  He wraps His arms around me to comfort me and give me courage.  He listens, He speaks.  I hear, I trust, I follow.  I love Him and He loves me back more than I can fathom. It's all about His love and accepting it and sharing it with others.  It's all about relationship!

Pray on people!  Your Poppa will listen!

Who Am I? Who are you?

Who am I?  I am the baby of my family of 4 siblings.  Two brother and one sister.  I grew up in small towns.  I was a good student and went to the local college.  I wanted to go away to study music but that was not allowed.  I have been singing all my life.  It is at the core of who I am.  I studied nursing instead but due to my circumstances at the time, I quit, took some business classes and went to work as a secretary, soon to be an office manager.

You see, whatever task I am given, I do it well.  It didn't take long for me to be promoted and to quickly become my bosses right hand.  After 13 years there I became a purchasing agent elsewhere and left as a procurement coordinator.  Should have been a director, but I didn't have a 4 year degree and was of the wrong gender.  But I was very good at what I did and was heavily depended upon.

I got married and had 2 step kids that lived with us.  I had to be organized to have a full time job and learn how to take care of my immediate family.  And I did that too.  My husband prospered in his career, my step kids became awesome adults, and I had a good run in my work life before I had to resign due to my health.

When it comes to my health, I was told by my doctor that all of my ailments would not stop me because of my attitude.  Growing up I was told I was stubborn.  I call it determined.  I was told I was different, even strange.  I call it unique, special.  I was told I was bad, wrong.  I call it independent.

I tell you all of this to say this:  I am nothing!  Yes, I can sing.  Yes, I used to be a great dancer.  Yes, I can write.  Yes, I was able to be a great administrator.  Yes, I was able to help raise beautiful children and have been my husband's biggest champion.  I have 6 fabulous grandchildren whom I love very much and they love their Nanna.  Yes, I have been told that I have the Charisms of Encouragement and Evangelization and am a natural spiritual advisor.  But none of this is of me.

Without God, I have nothing, I am nothing!  Every breath I breathe, every step I take, every gift or talent that I have comes from Him.  He planned me.  He created me.  He has been with me every moment of every day.  He has taught me, He has healed me, He has given me peace.  And of course, He has given me Jesus' example to follow and the Holy Spirit to enable me to accomplish this along the road of my journey toward's Him.

He has numbered the hairs on my head to the days of my life.  I am nothing without Him, but.............I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.  Phil 4:13.

I AM HIS AND SO ARE YOU!

Grace, Not Perfection

I have a t-shirt that says, I operate under grace not perfection.  Yesterday, I had it on and a young woman commented on it.  It seems she had heard something similar at church the day before.  We talked about it and I told her, "It's just about showing others the love of Jesus, not be perfect."  She said that she needed to hear that and that she would take it as a Word from God.  That's exactly what it was.  I thought to say other things but The Lord told me it's just about the love.

So many of us have set standards for ourselves that God has not set for us.  Yes, there are things that we are supposed to do and not do.  But all of these should come out of our love for Him.  Not because we have to do it to earn His love or a ticket to heaven.  The more we learn about Jesus Christ, the more we fall in love with Him.  The more we fall in love with Him, the more we want to serve Him by doing the right things and sharing His love with others.

It is by grace that we are able to accomplish these things.  Grace is the gift that keeps on giving.  It is gifted to us by The Lord anytime we pray.  It is gifted to us whenever we go to church to worship Him.  It is gifted to us when we hear His voice and follow His will.  As a Catholic, I believe that I receive an abundance of graces from going to reconciliation and receiving eucharist.  Graces that enable us to grow in our understanding of what is required of us on our journey.  Grace that enables us to love Him more.  Grace to love others more.

Grace also can enable us to be more in sync with the Holy Spirit that lives within each of us.  Being able to go to Him and hear His voice and follow His direction.  Grace can open our eyes to see the needs of those we encounter on a daily basis and give us the courage to reach out to them.  Grace gives us the right words to say and the right things to do.

All of us have our struggles and sometimes just acknowledging that in the other helps.  Sharing a word of love, compassion, understanding.  Giving that much needed pat on the hand, squeeze of the shoulder, or a sincerely loving hug.  Grace can provide us with the deep well of love that comes from The Lord that we always have to give to others.

This is what it's all about.  Not being perfect.  It is all about love.  Loving The Lord with all your heart, mind, and soul and loving one another as He has loved us.  He died for us so that we might live and have life abundantly.  He did not die for us to walk on eggshells trying to be perfect.  He was, is, and will always be the only perfection.  His sacrifice has given us this gift of life and of love.  His love for us and our love for Him give us the grace that we need to live to serve Him and in turn, serve others.

So don't beat yourself up if you aren't perfect, if you stumble, even if you fall.  He is there to pick you up, fill you with grace, and to help you to do better next time.  Life is not a test.  It's a journey towards a life with Him for eternity.  Oh Happy Day!

Celebrating Life!

Well tomorrow is my 60th birthday party!  We have put a lot of work in getting everything ready.  My hubby has power-washed the house, resealed the patio, cleaned the house, re-painted the living area, etc, etc, etc.  He has been amazing!  He always is so good to me.  I made my birthday cake and made several finger foods.  Others are bringing additional foods and again, my hubby is grilling other items.  I tell you all this to begin enumerating why I am celebrating turning 60.

There are so many reasons for me to celebrate!  First of all, I celebrate my man and his dedication and loyalty to me.  I celebrate the love we have shared for 29 years, married 28.  I celebrate all of the up and downs that we have been through and the way we stuck together through it all.  I celebrate God for sending me such an excellent partner in life!

I celebrate my two step-children for the adults that they have grown to be!  They are beautiful, caring, loyal, faithful souls.  They are dedicated to their family and are excellent parents to my 6 grandchildren.  They married people of like mind and character.  They are all successful in their careers and frugal with their finances.  They are all answers to prayer and major blessings in my life.

And then their are my beautiful grandchildren!  From the oldest at 19 to the youngest at 2 months, they are the sunshine in my life in so many ways.  They are all very smart, extremely kind, faithful, and gorgeous!  Yes, I am partial, but it's so true!!!  I tell them that "I love them from here to infinity and beyond"!  I soooo mean it!  They are each very different and special to me in their own unique ways.  I would do anything for them.  They are my reward in life!

I celebrate all of the friends that I have!  My forever friend, who has been there for me since our senior year in high school.  Friends that I met when I was 20 that are still in my life today.  Friends that came to me through my husband, but now are like family to me and to our family.  Friends from my church choir and from the ACTS community (retreat movement) and in particular, my prayer group.  My friend next door who is always there for me.  A dear friend that I met when I began my last job who is very special to me.  I celebrate the honor of those friends that were in my life for too short a time.  And on and on!  I am extremely blessed in the friend department!

I celebrate every breath that The Lord has given me.  I celebrate all of the gifts He has blessed me with an that He has gotten me this far.  That He has carried me through to rough times and walked beside me through the rest.  That He sent all of those above into my life and all those people that have helped me and influence me still today.  All of the angels He has sent into my life to help me along the way.  He allowed me the privilege of having sweet Saint Maria Goretti watch over me all of my life.  He has provided for my livelihood and for my care.  He has taken a lowly little caterpillar hiding in her cocoon and turned her into a beautiful butterfly free to fly.  Most of all He sent His Son to die to take away my sins and to rise to give me a pathway to heaven!!!  He is the Center of my life and everything I do!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMERICA!

Tomorrow is the 4th of July, the birthday of America!  Did you know that?  These days it seems that is a legitimate question.  People celebrate the 4th of July every year with fireworks, barbecue, and water sports.  But do they truly realize what it is they are celebrating?

To many, it is just another excuse to have a party.  Another excuse to get drunk.  Another opportunity to go on vacation.  A great time to catch some awesome fireworks.

To those of us that do remember what it's all about, those are just the trappings of the day.  To those of us that do understand, it is the celebration of freedom.  The honoring of all of those who fought and died and lost limbs and oh, so much else.  The all of the fathers, mothers, brothers, sister, sons and daughters that didn't come home.  For those that will never get to celebrate.  The 4th of July is all about the ability for us to be free to celebrate.  To be free to speak our mind.  To be free to protect ourselves.  To be free to worship however and wherever we choose.

Our found fathers were truly courageous and had unbelievable foresight when they fought for and established this country and wrote our Declaration of Independence.  There have been other great civilizations that were benchmark for others to follow.  However, those failed after about 200 years.  We are celebrating our 241st birthday.  We have survived longer, but how much longer.

The failure of those empires came about when the people began to ask what's in it for me?  When they began to expect the government to take care of them and not for them to take care of themselves.  When the powerful began to love the power and wealth more than they did the people and their democracy.  Does this sound familiar?  How much further do we have to go before we fail?  How much longer can we last with the prevailing attitudes of our leaders and our people.  Will we come tumbling down and no one be able to fix us?

I choose to believe that we will survive.  I choose to believe in the American Spirit.  I trust that those of us who remain patriots and remain loyal to the idea that anyone can achieve the American Dream through hard work and honorable living.

I trust that the God that enable this country to become the greatest, most blessed country on earth will not allow it to fail.  This country was founded on the predicate that all people deserve freedom, especially religious freedom and freedom from oppression.  I trust that those that would take these away from us will not be allowed to prevail.  I trust that people of faith, morals, and values will rise up and take this country back from those who lack these.  I pray with trust that God will create a revival of faith, morals, value, patriotism, and loyalty to Him and to this country.

God Bless the USA and Happy Birthday!!!!

Fear Not, You Are Loved!

As I prepare for a party at my home, there are a lot of elements I have to plan for to pull it off.  I will have many people in my small home.  Logistics of flow, seating, weather, parking, etc,  I have to plan and prepare a menu and provide for beverages.  I have to prepare my home, decorate and of course, design and create my cake.  Here are a couple of the items I've made for my cake.

Often times in the past, I got very nervous and anxious about events like this.  I so wanted everything to be perfect.  I really don't get nervous any more.  Do I plan? Yes.  Do I have checklists? Yes  Do I make sure I have everything lined up?   Yes, indeed.  But I no longer fear.  Fear that something goes wrong.  Fear that nobody will show.  Fear that I will run out of things.  Fear of what others will think.  Nope!

I no longer fear these things because I have a peace within me that drives out fear.  That peace comes from my relationship with Jesus.  That peace comes from the Holy Spirit that resides in me.  He keeps me calm and gives me strength.  He calls to my mind, reminding me of all the times He has provided, protected, and blessed me along the way.  

This is just a birthday party, but I have that same sense of calm and of strength when I am facing some major obstacle or challenge.   I also have a confidence and assuredness within myself that comes from knowing who I am.  I am His creation, His child, and am a Princess of the King.  

It also helps to know that whatever comes my way, I am supported by my family and by my friends.  It is very comforting that I belong to an awesome faith community that I can go to for prayer.  

If you are alone. find a faith family that will support you and where you feel at home.  Most importantly, find Jesus!  He came that we might have life in abundance.  that does include fear!  In the bible, it says not to fear 365 times.  Once for every day of the year.  He does not want us to live in fear!

Instead be fearless, self-assured, and know that God loves you completely and unconditionally.  He loves you more that your finite mind can possibly imagine!  You are a conqueror through Him who created you!

Isaiah 41:10

‘Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ 

Discernment

As I've said before, I recently attended a workshop on how to identify your Charisms, spiritual gifts.  Based on 120 questions, my top gifts were Writing, Music, Faith, Craftsmanship, and Encouragement.  These all made since to me.  Part of the workshop, was an opportunity to sign up for an interview with an expert on discernment of your gifts and I happened to be assigned to one of the facilitators of our workshop.  That interview was today.

The interview lasted for one hour.  We identified what the top 6 gifts that I scored in and discussed those.  She asked for specific examples and then further questioned me from there.  She gradually tied it all together into a summary of what she was hearing.  She said that my Charisms were encouragement and evangelism and that my other gifts of writing, music, and craftsmanship were carriers of the true Charisms.  She also said that I was a natural spiritual director.

I know that I share my faith a lot and speak to others about how Jesus has impacted my life and what He has to offer to everyone.  I had never really thought about this as evangelism.  It's just who I am.  I get encouragement because it is also something I do naturally.  When I really think about it, she nailed it.  For the workshop, they had told us that your true Charisms are those gifts that when you use them, you feel energized, you feel joy, and you feel at home.  This is very true.  Encouraging others and talking about Jesus are things I feel called to do.  It is something that burns in my heart and that I could never not do.

I have considered the idea of becoming a spiritual director but have never been sure that I have it in me to do the formation required to get there.  I will have to do more discernment about that on my own and pray, pray, pray!  Please pray for me also.

I do hope to continue to use this venue to encourage others in their journey and to spread the Good News of Jesus Christ.  He is the Son of God.  He came to earth to teach us and to take away our sins.  He died to wash us clean.  He rose to give us the hope of everlasting life.  He did not promise us it would be easy here.  He did promise that He would always be with us and that some day we will join Him in Heaven.  "I Can Only Imagine"!

Three in One

As I approach my 60th birthday and look back on my life, I don't see just one life.  I see three.  The person that I am today is not the same person I was in my youth, nor in the middle portion of my life.

When I look at the first 20 years of my life, I see a little tomboy that loved to shadow her dad and granddad.  I see a hurt little girl that silently tried to deal with the experience of sexual abuse.  A little girl that lived an internally solitary life.  She played with her cousins and her animals, went to school, did all the normal things, while always feeling separate and different.

I remember a teenager that was very alone.  I was bullied mercilessly at school and at home.  I remember a girl that wore lot's of makeup to hide behind.  I remember feeling angry and bitter and useless.  I especially remember the impact of my grandfather's suicide.  I often considered it myself, but he saved me as I knew that pain that it left behind.  But then at 20, I found Jesus in a new and personal way.

From then on my life was different.  I was not alone.  A new phase began.  Although I took a lot of wrong turns and went through some hard times, he always carried me through.  I made some lifelong friends that have also carried me through and are still there for me today.  I met my husband and became a stepmom.  I worked from the age 19 until I had to quit due to my health at 52.  He carried me through the adjustments of a blended family and the stressors of work.  I have met some amazing people through being involved in Christian groups and have grown exponentially along the way.

In the last few years, I feel like I have grown significantly more through the ACTS program, through my prayer group, through my own exploration and self-reflection.  I feel like I finally am becoming myself and being whom He created me to be.  I have enough confidence now to not let anyone make me feel less than.  I have a peace within me that knows what I know.  I know that the Lord had created me to be me and that He has provide me with all I need.  I know that I still have a lot to learn and a long way to go.  Through the ACTS retreat I attended, I know how deeply my God loves me and how He loves me right where I am as I am.  Does that give me a pass?  No!?  It only makes me want to be better, to do more in order to glorify His name.

As I go forward into this phase of my life, I will continue to rest in my faith and my trust in God no matter what comes my way.  I will continue to lean on Jesus when I grow weary.  I will continue to look to the Holy Spirit for guidance and rejoice with Him when things go well.  I can see where this Holy Trinity has been with me all along.  God, The Father in the beginning.  Jesus, The Lord throughout, and The Holy Spirit carrying me on!

To God Be The Glory!!!

All In

I am currently planning my own 60th birthday party.  I have never truly had one.  I figured that turning 60 was a big milestone, so I was entitled.  I was telling a friend about the plans for the party.  She commented that I was really going all out with the plans.  I simply said, "That's what I do."

Any time I decide to commit to something, I am all in!  I don't just dip my toe in the water.  I dive in!
Once when I was in counseling, my therapist said "I have never had someone work this program as quickly as you".  I dove in.

Whenever I commit to a relationship, I am all in. For example, I have a broken relationship that I am dealing with currently.  Because of a decision I made, this person has turned away from me and only communicates with me when necessary.  I have reached out on multiple occasions to no avail.  It is polite but no effort is made on their part to reciprocate.  This individual has lied to me, has left me out of important events, has been within minutes of my home too many times to count without even giving me a call.  In all of this, I have continued to love them, have continued to want a relationship with them, to look forward not back.  All in.

Anytime I have a passion about something, I am "All In".  My ministries that I am involved with at church.  My love of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ and my desire to tell others about Him.  With my husband, my children, my grandchildren I am "All In".

Though I have health issues that are sometimes an obstacle to doing all I would like to do, I do my best to be there for others in whatever way I can.

A lot of people don't get me.  They don't get my passion.  They don't get my sensitivity.  They don't understand my honesty.  They don't accept that I am ill, not a wimp or lazy.  I AM NOT A WIMP!  Before my illnesses kicked in, I could and would outdo anyone.  Since my illnesses, I have had to let my old self go and accept my new reality of having to pace myself and admit that there are some things I can't do.

Fortunately, I do have one friend that totally gets me and accepts me for who I am.  She and I have been friends since our senior year in high school.  Being with her is so easy because I can just be myself without having to live up to any expectations.  She is a blessing to me.

I have been created to be All In.  If there is something or someone that you are passionate about, don't be afraid to dive in! To be All In.

Words To Live By

The scripture below are the words I live by.  I attended a day retreat where I discovered this scripture in a new way.  I was able to truly apply it to myself.  I am called by God because of my love of Him and His for me. He created me for a purpose.  He has a plan for my life.  He created me to be me.  I am perfectly made in that He made me.  He has fully equipped me for the path he had laid for me.  I am a conqueror in that I do not fear the world.  I know that whatever comes my way, He is with me.  He has been with me, He is with me, He will be with me no matter what.

All of my life I was told that I was too honest, I was too independent, I was too passionate, that I was too this and too that!  Or on the other hand, that I was not enough in so many ways.  I often bought in to others opinions about me.  What do they know?!  I know my heart and God knows it perfectly.  He created me to be honest, independent, passionate, creative, etc.  I am exactly who I am supposed to be and I claim that now.  I will not let anyone make me feel less than.  The only one that can judge me in any way and that is God, My Creator.  He loves me and is a merciful God.  He sent His only Son to die for me.

Did you know that if you were the only person on earth, He would have still send Jesus to die for your sins so that you would have the hope of salvation?!  So that you can have a personal relationship with Him because He loves you so much and unconditionally.  You are His creation and He is with you always.  He has given you The Holy Spirit to be your guide and provide you with the gifts and power to access to accomplish your purpose.

Praise to The Father, The Son, & The Holy Spirit!

Romans 8:28-38New American Standard Bible (NASB)

28 And we know that [a]God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. 29 For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren; 30 and these whom He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified.

31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us?32 He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things? 33 Who will bring a charge against God’s elect? God is the one who justifies; 34 who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was [b]raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us. 35 Who will separate us from the love of [c]Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 36 Just as it is written,

“For Your sake we are being put to death all day long;
We were considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

37 But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us.38 For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers,

Victim to Victory

We have all experience difficulty in our lives and many of us are dealing with difficulty today.  We have a choice.  Do we want to dwell on the difficulties of the past?  Do we want to live in the hurt and roundedness?  Is that truly who we are?  Do we want to learn from all of the times we were hurt, rejected, unloved, betrayed, whatever?   Or do we want to keep carrying all of that heavy baggage?

I have been a victim.  I have lived as a victim.  A victim of abuse, rejection, betrayal and feeling unloved.  It was only when I chose to step out of myself did I decide that I was no longer going to be a victim.  I was tired of carrying all that hurt and the people with it on my shoulders.  It was time to put it all down.  I sought help to do this.  I sought help from a professional counselor.  I sought help from close friends.  And most of all, I sought help from my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Through all of this I have slowly, but surely taken many of those heavy bags I was carrying and set them down.  There are still some I work on continuously and these are getting lighter and lighter.  Thanks to The Lord, I have been able to choose to forgive others and myself.  I have been able to choose to love myself and to learn to love others too.  I have been able to choose to let down the walls I had so expertly constructed and become more vulnerable.  YES, it does open you to more hurt, but it also opens you to more love.  And once you have done the work, the hurts come less often and the love more so.

Does forgiveness happened overnight?  It can, but most often it's a process over time that is worked over and over again.  The most effective way I have found to forgive is to pray for the person that hurt you.  It's hard to hate someone for whom you are praying.  Reminding myself that God loves that person just as much as He does me also helps.  Trying to understand that the other person is wounded also and has probably acted out of that woundedness allows me to see them in a different light.  Most bad behavior on anyone's part is born out of fear; the same fears all of us have.

Another choice I have made is to think bigger; to get outside of my box or comfort zone.  What is the purpose for which The Lord has created me?  How do I discover, discern this?  First, I pray.  Then, I listen for His voice.  Once I hear His voice, I am able to make sure it is His voice by the amount of peace I feel.  I know that I am in His will if I am at peace about it and not still questioning.  I have an assuredness that I know can only come from Him.

Through this process and so much more choices made every day, I have gone from being a victim and living like a victim to feeling victorious.  Victorious by the Grace of God in overcoming much of my woundedness.   Victorious in learning how to be fearless in stepping out in faith that I can do all things with Christ by my side.

Do I have setbacks?  Absolutely!  But all I have to do is go back to The Lord and He gets me back on track more quickly each time.

This blog is part of that stepping out and exploring my writing abilities and how those might inspire others.  The journey with The Lord is an adventure for sure, but He will lead you to Victory!

Bye-Bye Baggage!!!  Hello Victory and Freedom!!!

Negative Christian

I have had my times of negativity in the past, but as I have come to know Jesus and grown in my love for Him and in my faith, I do my best to always look for the positive, for the silver lining.  Being a Christian and being negative is an oxymoron.  The simply cannot coexist.  It's not to say that there aren't time when I get down, or question, or don't think too positively about someone's behavior.

When I get down, I allow myself a little "pity party" and then I get over myself, pull myself up by the boot straps and move on.  When I question, I remember all the promises The Lord has made and I hope and trust in Him.  When someone gets on my nerves or behaves badly, I try to imagine what they might be dealing with or what they have been through, instead of just writing them off as wrong or bad like I used to do.

All of us are created from Love for Love.  We have been given hope and faith.  We just have to choose and use it when confronted with difficult situations or people.  In difficult situations, I always ask the Holy Spirit what it is I need to learn from the circumstance.  With difficult people, I try to remember that they too are created by God and He loves them just as much as He does me.  I try to put myself in their shoes.  Admittedly. I don't do as well on this as I should. but I do try.

The more and more that I came to know The Lord and love Him the more and more positive I become in all things.  I used to be extremely negative but He truly has redeemed my life.  He continues constantly to redeem every part of me.  I am far from where I need to be, but thanks to Him, I am far from where I used to be.

I extremely blessed to have a supportive husband and family, to have a large supportive church community and really great friends.  Best of all, my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, is my best friend, the love of my life, my teacher, my comforter, my everything.  Without Him, I am nothing, I have nothing.  He loves this work in progress unconditionally!

With all of this, how can I be negative?  With Him, how can anyone?

Trust Him.  He will show you the silver lining, the end of the rainbow, the best in you.  He is always there at your disposal.  HE LOVES YOU!

ULTIMATE POWER

This world places power above all else, even fortune.  Just look at the politicians who claim to be "public servants".  They may start off with good intentions but ultimately they succumb to the lure of power and acclaim.  They speak of world peace but fight against anyone with a differing opinion without even trying to understand the other side.  They speak of climate change that will kill us all while people right now are being slaughtered all over the world including the innocent babies in their mother's wombs.  They claim to be advocates for the down trodden, all the while they scrape them off the bottom of their shoes as they climb that worldly ladder.

DO YOU WANT POWER?  It just takes you becoming aware of the power within you.  You have all the power in the universe living in you.  He is called the Holy Spirit!  The Infinite, Creator power is yours to access!  How could things change for you, for the world, if we were all able to utilize it to the full?  It all begins with us.  

Do you believe in God?  Do you believe you were created by Him?  Why were you created?  He didn't create you just for fun.  He created you for a specific purpose.  He created you to be in relationship with Him.  He loved you so much that He sent His only begotten Son to take your place on the cross that all sins of all people might be redeemed by His death and resurrection.  Before Jesus left, He gave us all the Holy Spirit, the Advocate to be with us always.  God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit are one and another indication of the importance of relationship to God.  Jesus said that we would do far greater things than He.  When He ascended, He commissioned us to go forth and make disciples of the world.  Purpose!

How will we do far greater things?  By the Power of the Holy Spirit that lives within us.  If we get in touch with Him, He will give you the discernment to know how God is calling you to the mission He created for which He created you.  By the Power of the Holy Spirit, you have been equipped by Him with all of the gifts you need to succeed.  What do you love to do?  What gives you joy?  What energizes and excites you?  Where do you most feel at home?  That is a good place to start to know what you need to pursue.

How can the world be different?  If we understood that God is about life and love, would we behave differently?  If we treated everyone as the God-created being that they are, would we all get along better?  Just imagine if all faith based communities throughout the world got together for peace, do you think it could be accomplished?  I think so!  If we respected life from conception to death, would we have more respect for ourselves and others?  I think so!

We often think, I'm just one person, what difference can I make?  I say, consider the "Butterfly Effect".  It has been shown that when a butterfly flaps its wings, the air it moves will eventually make it around the world.  I read a book and heard the author speak that explains this better.  The book is "The Butterfly Effect" by Andy Andrews.  He also recalls different events in history where the one decision, action, or inventive thought effected millions around the world.  You can too!

If we all accept that we all have the Creator living within and treat each other accordingly, we can touch people's lives and they can do the same and so on.  Go forth and make disciples of all the nations!  We all must think bigger and step out of our comfort zone!  Say "yes" to His call and go out into the world with His love!

Thank you Lord for loving us and providing us with the Holy Spirit!

MEET & TURN

This is something that I wrote recently that speaks to our journey to Jesus:

MEET & TURN

When you meet Jesus,

You turn your face in shame,

Shame for all of the wrongs you've done,

Shame for all of the times you’ve let Him down,

Shame for being the hammer to His nails.

He calls to you with mercy.

When you meet Jesus,

You turn your back to Him,

You do not deserve His open arms,

You are not worthy enough,

Not lovable enough,

Not good enough.

He calls to you with love.

When you meet Jesus,

You turn away from Him,

You are afraid to follow Him,

You are afraid to be different,

You don’t feel you need Him,

You can do this on you own.

He calls to you to trust.

When you meet Jesus,

You see yourself in Him,

You see His love for you,

You accept the salvation He offers,

You surrender all of you to all of Him.

When you gaze into Jesus eyes,

all you see is love, mercy, and forgiveness.  

When you meet Jesus,

you are forever transformed.

You cannot encounter Jesus and remain the same.

When you meet Jesus, you have found your home.

Rest in His arms, Trust, and Live!

Connie A LeBlanc

Inspired by The Holy Spirit

Coping & Hoping

Hello Brothers and Sisters,

Something came up this morning that led me to thinking about what it means to cope with chronic pain and fatigue.  You see, I have fibromyalgia, rheumatoid arthritis and osteoarthritis.  I was diagnosed with the fiber in 1994 and the RA a few years later.  I continued to work until 2010.  Then the fatigue got so bad that I had to resign.  The head of rheumatology at Oschner's in New Orleans told me that my body could not handle the intense stress related to my job and that it would kill me.  I returned home and resigned.

I thought that I would be lost for things to do, but that didn't last long.  I got involved with my church, have 4 grandchildren living near me, and did crafty things around home to keep busy.  Four years ago, I began the hobby of cake decorating.  I make cakes and cookies for special occasions with my family, friends, and for my church.  What is good about this hobby is that I can do things in stages and pace myself so I don't overdo and pay the price.  Which leads me to the subject of this post.

As I said because of the fatigue, I must pace myself.  When I no I have an event or trip coming up, I try to get extra rest and allow for extra rest after.  I take frequent breaks from any task and try to take a nap every afternoon.  This allows me cope for the most part with my fatigue.  My hope is knowing that Jesus was often tired and He rested and spent time with The Father.  He would go off to a quite place by Himself and pray.  It's okay to take some alone time for yourself.  My hope is knowing that when I need to push through The Lord gives me the courage and perseverance to get it done.

When it comes to the pain, it is much the same.  I need to find a balance of continuing to do the things I need to do and knowing when to back off.  This helps to keep the pain from getting worse.  I take medication to take the edge off and keep going forward.  There are times when I have to just shut things down.  That's okay too.  It's all part of coping with chronic pain.  My hope is in remembering that Jesus suffered much more.  He suffered betrayal and ridicule.  He suffered scourging at the hands of the brutal Romans.  If you don't know what that scourging was, He was tied to a post, the clothes ripped off Him, and was whipped extra numbers of times with a "cat-o-nine-tails" with broken metal and glass tied to the ends.  His flesh was literally ripped from His body.

He then had to carry a heavy wooden cross up a hill, falling 3 times.  They then ripped the cloak they had thrown on him reopening all of His wounds.  And then they pierced His hands and feet as they nailed Him to the cross.  The lifted it into place causing all of His weight to pulled down on nails.  He struggled to breathe and was pierced in His side to ensure that He was dead.  And He forgave us!

If He could endure all of this in all of His humanity, I guess I can endure my pain.  I don't always do it with grace but I do try to join my suffering to His and to remember all those that are suffering more that me.  My hope is knowing that He knows how I feel.  My hope is knowing that I can alway count on His loving embrace.  My hope is knowing that someday I will have a glorified body with no more pain or fatigue in which I will be able to glorify His name for eternity.

Trust in Him, Hope in Him in whatever fatigues you, in whatever caused you pain.  He will set comfort you, guide you, love you and will set you free!

Have courage and persevere!

Connie

 

Not Good Start, But.....

I am a little slow today because I only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. I have fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis which both cause pain & fatigue.  Last night the pain kept me awake. 

 However, I was able to get a casserole ready for baking for my granddaughter's 8th grade graduation tonight, her request. I finished her cake last night. 

 

I had an appointment this morning & prayer group at 1:00. I hope to get a nap in somehow. 

I tell you all this to say, I'm good anyway. There is a song that I sing the refrain every day. It is 10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman.   The part that keeps me going says to sing like never before and to be singing when evening comes no matter what comes my way during my day.  This helps me to keep focused on my blessings not my trials. 

When you give yourself to God, you become aware of His Presence in all things. You see His hand in whatever you encounter throughout the day.  He has a plan for your life that you might have life in abundance. 

Abundance doesn't necessarily mean a quantity of time. It means that with Him in your life, He can use all things for your good.  It means that even in the hardest of times you can have peace and hope because you know He is with you.  My favorite scripture is Romans 8:28 - 30


And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

Keep your head up and be strong!  HE IS WITH YOU!!!