This weekend at the conference I attended, as we were in Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament, we were taken through a guided meditation my Sister Miriam James. She had us imagine our ourselves walking along by ourselves when we feel like someone is walking up behind us. That someone is Jesus. He catches up to us and evens His strides with ours and walks silently beside us. He then asks us what is on our heart that needs healing. He stops and asks if we would be willing to surrender that something to Him.
During this, I did my best to fully immerse myself into it and see what I would receive. I was surprised by what turned up. I suddenly recalled me saying when I was probably around 19 that I never wanted to have children because I didn't want to screw up a kid as badly as I was. I became aware that I blamed myself in some way, because of that statement, for not ever having had a natural child of my own. Like having spoken that into the universe, I had caused that to happen.
I have for many years grieved the fact of never having had a natural child of my own. To have this revelation that I blamed myself was totally unexpected as that was the farthest thing from my mind. As I continued through the meditation, I got that Jesus was telling me that the child He wanted to birth in me was me. He wanted to create me anew without all of the screwed up stuff. It is said that when you claim Jesus as your Lord and Savior, you become a new creation. I guess that is what He meant by telling me He was birthing me in me.
The hardest part of the meditation was when He asked me to give it to Him. I very vividly in my mind's eye saw a newborn baby in my hands. It took me a moment to hand it over to Him. It was very hard for me to give it up but afterwards, it was very freeing!
That baby that He is birthing in me? Well, I often feel like just a toddler in His world. Like I am only beginning to walk as He would have me walk, learn the language He would have me speak, develop the skills He is trying to teach me. I have a long way to go to reach adulthood.
What old hurt, wound, grief are you holding on to of which maybe you are not even consciously aware ? Ask that the Holy Spirit to reveal that to you that you might offer it up to Jesus for healing. What is it that Jesus is trying to birth in you? Reach out your hands and take that first step towards Him. He will help you to walk in His ways and He will pick you up if you fall. Let Him reveal to you who He has "birthed" you to be in Him.
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