Identity

Who do you say that I am?  Jesus asked this of His disciples resulting in multiple answers. How dense were they!?  How dense are we at times when that question comes up on our own identities?  Do I really know who I am?  Here are the things I know about myself, I think. ☺️

I am the baby of my family of origin. I am a married woman of almost 30 years. I am a stepmother of two and a grandmother of 6. I am retired/disabled. I am Catholic. I am a follower of Christ. I am a friend.  I am singer and cake artist and love to create.  How do I stack up against others?

Am I smart enough, pretty enough, talented enough, loving enough?  What is enough?  I believe that we all are enough if we live with authenticity.  When we honor who we truly are, who God created us to be, we live authentically.  Why do we question so much who we are?  God created me to be me just as He created you to be you.  No comparison necessary.  We do not need to be like someone else.  We do not need to try to measure up to someone else's expectations.  We only need to be true to who God intended us to be.

Now, does that take some figuring out who exactly that is?  Of course.  But with His help and guidance, it can be done.  Is it a process that will last the rest of our lives?  I think so.  He is always developing and growing us.  How do we know who He say we are?  Scripture tells us.  The Holy Spirit within us tells us.  My favorite scripture in this season of my life is Romans 8:28-38(below) in which I have found my identity.  It tells me that He chose me before I was born, that He called me according to His purpose for me, that He is using all things for good to make me all that He created me to be, and that I am more than a conqueror through Him.  Most of all, it tells me that I am loved by Him and nothing can ever separate me from that love.  I am enough for Him!  I am His princess warrior!  The daughter of the King girded in the armor of His love!

Romans 8:28-39

28 [a]We know that all things work for good for those who love God,[b] who are called according to his purpose. 29 [c]For those he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, so that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30 And those he predestined he also called; and those he called he also justified; and those he justified he also glorified.

31 [d]What then shall we say to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son but handed him over for us all, how will he not also give us everything else along with him? 33 Who will bring a charge against God’s chosen ones? It is God who acquits us. 34 Who will condemn? It is Christ [Jesus] who died, rather, was raised, who also is at the right hand of God, who indeed intercedes for us. 35 What will separate us from the love of Christ? Will anguish, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or the sword? 36 As it is written:

“For your sake we are being slain all the day;
    we are looked upon as sheep to be slaughtered.”

37 No, in all these things we conquer overwhelmingly through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor present things,[e] nor future things, nor powers, 39 nor height, nor depth,[f] nor any other creature will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Childlike Faith

Just recently, my 5 year old grandson and I were talking about someone that he knew that had passed.  He told me that this person had died and gone to heaven so he wouldn't be able to ride his tractor anymore.  He then proceeded to ask me, "Why did Jesus have to die on the cross?"  He's 5!  How do you explain salvation to a 5 year old.

Thankfully, the Holy Spirit gave me an answer that seemed to satisfy him.  I said, "We as human beings make mistakes all of the time and some of those mistakes can keep us from going to heaven.  But when Jesus died, rose again, and went to heaven, it was so He could make a way for us to go to heaven."  In talking about it, I realized that I wanted him to understand that Jesus didn't leave him alone.  He knew that there is God the Father and God the Son, but I also told him that there is God the Spirit.  I told him, "Jesus went to heaven, but left the Holy Spirit to live inside of you.", at which he gave me a look, like "Say What"!!!  I then explained to him that the Holy Spirit is there to help him make good decisions.  That he would let him know what is good and bad, right or wrong.  He seemed to be okay with that and went on to play.

Oh, that we would have that kind of child like faith.  That we would ponder on the cross and think about why Jesus died there.  That we would marvel at His resurrection.  That we would wonder if he left us alone here to struggle on our own, only to discover that He is with us always, guiding us along the way.  Can we remember when we first understood the concept of the Trinity?  (As far as anyone can) I know that I grew up not knowing much about the Third Person, that I now treasure so much.  It seemed that most "grown ups" were frightened by and of the Holy Spirit.  But isn't it comforting to know, we never are alone.  No matter how desolate we feel and how impossible the circumstance, He is always there with us.  There is nothing of which to be frightened.

Jesus said that He would leave the Holy Spirit with us and that we would do far greater things than He!  Just imagine what we could do if we truly tapped in to the power available to us there.  So fear not!  YOU ARE NOT ALONE!  All Things Are Possible With God!  Feel His embrace, His presence, His love.  Lift up your face and see His loving gaze upon His child and accept that love with the untarnished innocence of a child.  Because, that is exactly how He sees you!  His Beloved!!!

Past, Future, Present

As I sit here pondering on what it is I should share with you here, I hear the clock tick and a bird sing it's good morning song.  Time marches on and a new day begins regardless of where we are in our lives.

It makes me aware of the fact that just as we can't stop the sun from rising and ourselves from aging, we also can't change the past and we don't know what the future will bring.  So why do we spend so much time rehashing the past and worrying about the future?  It's truly futile.

Yes.  We do need to address the past so that we can understand where we came from and so that we can work through and heal from any hurts, traumas, disappointments, etc.  Yes.  We do need to plan for the future so that we can take care of ourselves and those we love.  But why do we waste so much of the present on the past and the future.  GUILTY!

This is why one of the things that I am working on is to be more present.  Present in the present to myself and others.  Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is not guaranteed.  Cliche' I know, but true.  Present to myself so that I can be aware of and enjoy more of what is going on around me with nature, people, and events.  Present to myself about myself as to where I am personally and where I need to go, in the areas I need to grow and the things I need to let go of.  Present to others so that I can hear and see what it is they need from me - a word, a smile, a hug, a listening ear, to be left alone, and so on.

The past is part of who we are, there is no need to live there anymore.  The future is a far away land to which only God knows the way.  Be present.  Enjoy the moment.  Present the present of the present to yourself!

Love Better

I'm am writing this with at most 2 hours of fitful sleep so I may not make much sense.  Not sure why I initially couldn't sleep but then that burgeoned into pain which led to how do I reduce that enough to fall asleep.  Therefore, enter Mr. Ben Gay!  Helps to trick my brain to focus on the burn instead of the pain.   I think I slept a little between 3 and 5 because I did dream some.  In the dream, that made no sense, I remember trying to get everyone's attention and no matter what I did, no one saw me or if they did, simply overlooked me.  Ever feel that way in your life?  Overlooked?  Invisible?

In reality, I think that we are all overlooked and invisible to most people, even to ourselves.  Most people see only the "public" us which includes the assumptions, judgements, stereotypes, and perspectives from their world view.  It also includes the persona that we choose to allow others to see.  The safe persona that doesn't expose the real us to others.  And as for us, we often see ourselves as the person that others say we are and/or remain only at the level of the actor on this stage of life that we portray to the world.

Who are we really?  In in today's Gospel, Mk 3:31-35, Jesus calls us His mother, His brother, His sister.  He says that whoever does the will of God is part of His family.  I don't know about you but that excites me!  That I am chosen by Him and if I but follow Him, I belong to His family.  That is who I want to be.

I don't know too many people that come from perfect families of origin.  Actually, I don't know anyone that does.  I certainly didn't.  Did I love them?  Did they love me?  Absolutely!  But that was and is an imperfect love.  Only His love is perfect and something to be desired.  Do we strive for that love?  Or do we spend all of our time pretending we are something we are not or trying to fit someone else's mold?  I want to be all that He created me to be so that I might be worthy of being called His!

How do I get there?  Only through the power of the Holy Spirit within will I be able to attain that goal.  It is through discovering and connecting with Him that I will have the strength, courage, and grace that it takes to do God's will.  In this season of my life, I sense that He is calling me to listen more to His inner voice, to draw upon and be obedient to that voice, and most of all, to love better.

We all have been hurt and walk around wounded with bandages that look and act more like walls.  Fortresses around our hearts.  I think only Our Lord can nurse us back to health so that we might allow those to fall away.  And by doing so, to be willing and able to love better.  To love without fear knowing that we are not alone and that no matter what, He will always love us.  He can't not love us because He is love and we belong to Him.

Then how are we to love better?  What is it that I need to do?  Again, I feel that by tapping in to the Holy Spirit within, allowing Him to speak to my heart and mind, that I can be who God created me to be and learn to love without fear and with abandon.  Oh, Lord, that you might heal our broken hearts, that we might love You better and through that love, love one another as members of the family of God.

Only His love will free me to be my authentic self.  To be the beautiful butterfly that He brings out of the dark cocoon with wings that are His work of art with pattern and color, to fly high on the winds of His Holy Spirit leading us to our final destination, into the arms of Jesus!  Amen!

I close now because as you can see from the comments above, I've got work to do!  Spread your wings and fly brother and sisters!

Walk On Water

Okay.  I am going to give this a try again.  I have been gone for a while working some things out for myself and not in a place where I felt like writing.  I think and hope that I am now in a place that I can draw on my creative juices and on The Lord for inspiration to be able to commit to writing on a regular basis.

I recently attended a workshop on The Holy Spirit.  The main precepts I received from this were being docile and obedient to The Holy Spirit.  In other words, to be open to receiving direction from Him and then to follow His guidance and instruction.

I have always had a love and affinity for The Holy Spirit and have tried to be obedient to His promptings.  I have not always been successful at doing so.  I have found that when I am focused on the difficulties of daily life, of old hurts from the past, on the struggles with my health, etc., it is very difficult to hear from God and even more difficult to be obedient.  When I focus on and open myself to His love and mercy, it is then when I can receive His guidance and then when it is easier to follow those promptings.  Just as when Peter focused on Jesus, he was able to walk on water.  The minute he took his eyes off of Jesus and focused on the storm around him, he sunk.

What are you focused on?  Are you walking on water with Jesus or are you sinking in your own storm.  Look up and He will reach out and save you from yourself.

I will do my best to remain focused on The Spirit and not "my world" and continue to post any insights or struggles here that we might walk this walk together.  Hopefully we can all learn to "walk on water" towards the true person that God created us to be, in order that we might live according to the purpose for which He created us; that we might walk toward the embrace of our Savior.

Old Lady

I don't feel like the age of 60, which is what I am, to be old.  I used to think that my parents were old at that age, but now that I am, I no longer think this.  However, I am unfortunately having to face the fact that I am getting older physically.  Due to my chronic illnesses I feel much older.  I often told people that I feel like I am 30 on the inside, I am 60 by the calendar, but now I feel like I am 80.

My energy level is very low.  My stamina minimal.  My pain level high.  My mental capabilities slowed.  Sounds like an aged person; an old lady, huh!  Well it stinks!  One that doesn't have the energy or desire to do things that came naturally to her all of her life.  I know that everyone gets older but I feel that I am aging much faster than I would normally.

It is so frustrating, depressing, and discouraging to want to be who you used to be and you just don't have what it takes to get there.  It is the same when you want to be more that you have ever been and just don't have it in you.  Study?  I can't hardly read an article and definitely struggle reading books, because my brain can only absorb so much at a time.  For someone that used to be an avid reader, it's unbelievable.  Now I even am struggling singing due to a weakened vocal cord!  Singing is like breathing to me.  How do you not breath?  How do you not sing?  I have no idea!  It's like losing part of my soul.

In other words, I have lost myself to illness and age!  It does STINK!

Rollercoaster Ride

Living with chronic illness is like a rollercoaster ride.  Not the small carnival coaster, but the big giant rollercoasters that create screams, tears, and vomit.  You never know what's up ahead around the next curve.  Will it take you up or down?  Will it slow or speed up?  Will it tilt side to side or make you feel like your about to fly out and die?  How long will it last?  Will it ever stop?

You approach the coaster with trepidation, not knowing what to expect.  You get off the coaster with the relief of being back on solid ground.  You may get sick to your stomach at the experience you just had.  Does that sound like fun?  Maybe it is in an amusement park.  It is not fun, when you live it every day.

What most people don't realize that there are many of us walking around, looking normal, doing normal things who live this way.  We are not disfigured.  We are not walking with a cane or walker, not riding in a wheelchair.  However, disabled we are.  But because we look like everyone else, it is assumed that we are not in pain, that we are not fatigued, that we are not battling depression, that we are not struggling with brain fog, that we are capable of everything a healthy person can do. We are judged when we don't do the things that others can do.  We are judged to be lazy, unmotivated, disorganized, even stupid or crazy.

Those of us that suffer from chronic fatigue, rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia, and other autoimmune and systemic diseases have the same want to as anyone else.  They just can't always do.  They have dreams of doing new things and going to new places.  They just can't always fulfill those dreams.  They have needs of maintaining a healthy weight by exercising and eating right.  The just don't have the energy to exercise, dread having additional pain on top of their existing pain, and they eat comfort foods to sooth themselves in their depression over their illness.  They are then judged again for not being strong enough to overcome these things.

Those of us with these hidden illnesses grieve.  We grieve the person we used to be.  We grieve the effects it has on our lives.  We grieve the loss of respect from other people.  We grieve the impact it has on those around us.  We grieve the dreams for the future that are lost.  We grieve the life we hoped to have being able to travel, to be able to learn knew things, to be able to handle grand babies without fear.  We grieve being left out of things because people don't know if they can rely on us.  We grieve the lack of understanding and compassion from others.

We don't want pity.  We don't want you to feel sorry for us.  We want to be understood.  We want to be trusted when we explain ourselves to you.  We want to be loved and encouraged.  We want acceptance of this version of ourselves.  We want to do the best we can with what we have even though sometimes we can't.  We want to get off of the rollercoaster of pain and fatigue.  We want to be our "normal selves".  We can not be the old normal and have to accept our new normal as best we can.  It would be nice just to maintain a level track without the constant surprises around the bend.   It would be nice just to be back on level ground.