Psyche

For those of you that know me well you know that over the last few years the butterfly has become very significant to me.  It has come to represent me and my journey in life.  It began when I gave a talk about aspects of my life and how The Lord has transformed me and redeemed me.

I used the analogy that I was like the butterfly in that I used to be like a lowly little caterpillar in her dark cocoon just waiting to be freed.  God through the years has slowly but surely freed me from that dark place to see the sunshine of His face.  In discovering His love for me and His gifts of healing and redemption, I have become and am becoming the beautiful, colorful, free-flying butterfly He created me to be.  My wings still have some growing to do but I am so grateful for the flight that He has me on.

Well, this morning I was doing research on the butterfly to get information for a project on which I am working.  I came across a list of the words for butterfly in different languages as in papillon is the French word.  I decided to look up the Greek word for it.  It is PSYCHE!

The definition of psyche is:  The human soul, mind, or spirit or the invisible animating entity which occupies the physical body.  (vocabulary.com/dictionary/psyche)  OMG!  Now the butterfly has even more relevance to me in my spiritual walk!  It is what animates my body through the presence of the Holy Spirit that lives within.  

Thank You, Lord Jesus, for giving me this little nugget of information that is such a gift to my Psyche, my Spirit, my Butterfly!  Let's fly!!!

Strings Attached

We have all heard that there are always "strings attached".  This usually refers to some great deal or opportunity that is too good to be true.  "There are always strings attached."  Beware!

Well this week, I learned another way to see this phrase.  I saw Sister Dulci (healing nun) again.  She performed an inner healing on me.  In going through the process, she had me envision a string running from my heart to the heart of people that were hurtful to me.  She suggested that I had a pair of scissors and instructed me to cut that string and pull the remnant out of my heart leaving me no longer attached to that person.  The goal was that I would no longer have any feelings of those people having any impact on my life.  Also, that the hurt they caused would be released to God forever.

Are there people in your life to whom you are still (painfully) attached?  Is the hurt they caused you still controlling some aspect of your life?  Are they still "renting space" in your head?  Can you imagine being free from the pain?  Whatever method it takes, why don't you try cutting the ties that bind?  Pulling the strings of pain from your heart.  Living your life with the past in the past, enjoying the present, and being excited about the possibilities in the future.

Releasing yourself from the hurt people caused does not mean you don't love them anymore.  It just means that you are taking back your life so that you might live it more fully.  May we all look to God to show us how we can do this and how we can finally, forever, permanently lay all of it at His feet.  May this free us all to be the people that He created us to be.

Psalm 139: 13-14  You formed my inmost being; you knit me in my mother's womb.  I praise you, because I am wonderfully made; wonderful are your works.  My very self you know.

Sowing Doubt

In recent weeks, I have experienced ministering by the Holy Spirit to mine.  With attending the Holy Spirit workshop.  While attending the Abide Women's Conference.  Within my interview with Sister Dulci and during the Adoration nights I've attended at our church, Holy Cross.  And of course, every moment in between, He has been whittling away at my soul, fashioning me into who He would have me.  Fabulous, marvelous, exciting stuff!  Then why do I feel like I'm in a funk.  Why do I feel sad?

I believe that whenever I begin to make real progress spiritually, the devil attacks.  He can't have us draw closer to God.  He can't have us be in intimate relationship with Jesus..  He will begin to sow seeds of doubt.  Doubt about ourselves, doubt about others, and doubt about how God sees us.  We aren't really lovable.  Others really don't love us.  God definitely can't possibly love a sinner like me.

In the encounters with the Holy Spirit, He has told me otherwise.  He has shown me how much He loves me and how desperately He desires to heal me and make me whole and holy.  He is directing me down the path He has chosen for me.  The  other day Sister Dulci told me things about myself that I find hard to accept.  Ways that I don't see myself.  But I want to believe that Poppa sees me that way and that I shouldn't listen to the doubts and the fears of not measuring up.  The questioning about I will be able to handle whatever it is He has planned for me to do.  However, I know that the bible says that whatever He brings you to, He will equip you for.  So I just have to trust!

Whatever negative thoughts, self-talk, voices from the past you have going on, don't listen!  Those are just lies used to keep you from feeling worthy, feeling able, feeling loved.  You are chosen.  He does love you.  He has equipped you with the gifts you need to accomplish His purpose for your life. He has given you the Holy Spirit to be with you every step of the way!   Believe in Him!  Trust in Him!

The Healing Nun

I haven't written in the last few days, number one because I haven't had much energy.  Number two because I was is somewhat of a funk.  Well that all went sideways yesterday!

I went to Baton Rouge to meet with Sister Dulci, the "healing nun".  Yesterday, was a get to know you session.  For her to find out the history of "my stuff" and for me to find out from her who Poppa (her name for God) says I am!  At least, that's what it turned out to be.

First of all, any of you that know me well, know that the butterfly is very significant to me.  For me it represents my journey from scared, damaged child to fearless, blessed adult.  From lowly caterpillar to butterfly with wings to fly.  Well, Sister wears colorful printed aprons over her habit and yesterday it was covered with butterflies in all different colors.  When I told her that I loved her apron and that the butterfly had much significance for me, she said that it was a gift from Poppa.  It was confirmation for me that I was supposed to be there.

There are many things that Sister told me that I am not ready to share here, still processing, but she did tell me that Poppa is preparing me for something new.  Perhaps a new ministry?  We will see.  She told me that I should look at how Poppa has worked in my life and how far He has taken me.  That is not lost on me, but I will be going over my life story to reflect on and document all of the times that I am aware of His hand in my life.

She gave me reasons for some of the hard things that happened in my life that hadn't occurred to me and that she said Poppa wanted me to know.  She even knew that I was born during a hurricane and how even that had purpose in my life.

At the end of the session, she told me to have her staff schedule me to come back to see her within a week.  She said there probably wouldn't be an opening but to tell them to schedule me on her lunch hour if necessary because she had to see me within a week.  There weren't any openings, so I am scheduled to see her next week on her lunch break.  This session will be an actual healing session in which she says Poppa, through her, will perform an "inner healing" which is standing in my way for whatever it is "new" that He has prepared for me.  I am excited to see what that is like.

Have you looked lately at how Poppa has moved in your life?  Is He wanting to heal you in some way?  Are there obstacles in your path to serving Him in some new way?  With lent quickly approaching, I think these are questions that we all can ask and reflect on as we prepare for the new life of Easter!

God Bless!

Helplessly Helpful

What do you do when someone you love is going through an extremely difficult situation and there is nothing you can do to change it?  I know that I rack my brain trying to think of ways that I can change it and make it better for them. Ways to fix it.  Well, most of the time, there is nothing I can do, making me feel helpless.  So what do you do?

First and foremost, I storm the heavens with prayer, day and night.  They are constantly on my mind and I lift them up throughout the day.  I pray for deliverance but I also pray for peace, comfort, provision, and discernment for that person.  Difficult times are part of each of our journeys and sometimes all we can do is pray.  All we can do is walk along side them, letting them know we are present.  Even when we can't be with them physically, there are ways that we can let them know that our hearts are breaking for theirs and our spirits are connected with theirs.

How do I do this?  With phone calls and texts.  Sometimes just to say good morning to let them know that I am starting my day thinking of them.  Or just a "how are you doing today" which often gets a conversation going, allowing them to share where they are in this journey.  Often, I will find an inspirational quote and/or photo or song to hopefully help calm them, motivate them, or provide them with some hope.  On occasion, I will send them meaningful gifts that speak to the beauty of who they are and remind them that they are not alone and will make it through this difficult time.

And sometimes all you can do is PRAY.  You are not helpless!  Prayer is the most powerful gift you can give to those you love.  If you  don't know what to pray, simply ask the Holy Spirit to minister to that person in whatever way they need.  He knows where they are in this journey and exactly what they need.  Of course, the other thing that you can do is to simply love them right where they are.  Whether they are being stoic or are a mess, just come along side of them and love them in whatever way they will allow.  Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you in what that looks like.  He won't let you down so that you don't let your loved one down.

Be present to them as much as you can, in whatever way you can, and you will be helplessly helpful.

Desert Time

Do you sometimes feel like you are walking through desert alone?  That answers to your questions won't come?  That you don't even know how or what to pray?  That God is far away from you?  I believe that we all go through these periods where nothing makes sense and we feel tired of trying to figure it out.  A time when fear creeps in and faith falters.  A time when we feel separated from God.

Guess what?  He hasn't gone anywhere.  We are the ones that have walked away.  Away into the world around us.  Away into ourselves and our stuff.  Away into our sin and failings.  We focus on things other than God and lose our way in the process.  Those are the times when confusion, fear, doubt, and insecurity can creep in.  Those are the times when we can believe the lies of the devil that we are not enough, that we are bad, that we don't measure up, that we don't have what it takes. that we can't make a difference in this crazy world we live in, and that we are not loved or even lovable.

I feel that these times are actually a necessary part of our growth.  Just as a plant will lose all of its leaves in the winter only to burst forth with beautiful blossoms and foliage in the spring, we must go through these seasons for us to bloom.  It's similar to walking through a dark tunnel only to exit to a brilliant light.

I have always found that these times turn out to be a time of discovery and that once I exit, there is the Light.  There is the oasis.  He is there waiting always to refresh me, to minister to me, to heal me, and to teach me.  I come out of these dry times with a new understanding of His love for me, of my love for Him, and of what my next step on the journey should be.  When that next step is not clear, I come out with a sense of confidence and trust, that I can simply wait and He will bring it to me.

Here of late, I have had the sense that He wants me to simply leaving myself open to the promptings of the Holy Spirit and just listen for His guidance and instruction.  I have a sense that He is healing me from my "deserts" and preparing me for His next step for my life.  I pray that I can with humility and docility remain open and obedient to His stirrings in my heart and follow through in trust His direction.

Fear not the desert for the springs of His Spirit will come to renew you!

A New Revelation

This weekend at the conference I attended, as we were in Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament, we were taken through a guided meditation my Sister Miriam James.  She had us imagine our ourselves walking along by ourselves when we feel like someone is walking up behind us.  That someone is Jesus.  He catches up to us and evens His strides with ours and walks silently beside us.  He then asks us what is on our heart that needs healing.  He stops and asks if we would be willing to surrender that something to Him.

During this, I did my best to fully immerse myself into it and see what I would receive.  I was surprised by what turned up.  I suddenly recalled me saying when I was probably around 19 that I never wanted to have children because I didn't want to screw up a kid as badly as I was.  I became aware that I blamed myself in some way, because of that statement, for not ever having had a natural child of my own.  Like having spoken that into the universe, I had caused that to happen.

I have for many years grieved the fact of never having had a natural child of my own.  To have this revelation that I blamed myself was totally unexpected as that was the farthest thing from my mind.  As I continued through the meditation, I got that Jesus was telling me that the child He wanted to birth in me was me.  He wanted to create me anew without all of the screwed up stuff.  It is said that when you claim Jesus as your Lord and Savior, you become a new creation.  I guess that is what He meant by telling me He was birthing me in me.

The hardest part of the meditation was when He asked me to give it to Him.  I very vividly in my mind's eye saw a newborn baby in my hands.  It took me a moment to hand it over to Him.  It was very hard for me to give it up but afterwards, it was very freeing!

That baby that He is birthing in me?  Well, I often feel like just a toddler in His world.  Like I am only beginning to walk as He would have me walk, learn the language He would have me speak, develop the skills He is trying to teach me.  I have a long way to go to reach adulthood.

What old hurt, wound, grief are you holding on to of which maybe you are not even consciously aware ?  Ask that the Holy Spirit to reveal that to you that you might offer it up to Jesus for healing.  What is it that Jesus is trying to birth in you?  Reach out your hands and take that first step towards Him.  He will help you to walk in His ways and He will pick you up if you fall.  Let Him reveal to you who He has "birthed" you to be in Him.

Identity

Who do you say that I am?  Jesus asked this of His disciples resulting in multiple answers. How dense were they!?  How dense are we at times when that question comes up on our own identities?  Do I really know who I am?  Here are the things I know about myself, I think. ☺️

I am the baby of my family of origin. I am a married woman of almost 30 years. I am a stepmother of two and a grandmother of 6. I am retired/disabled. I am Catholic. I am a follower of Christ. I am a friend.  I am singer and cake artist and love to create.  How do I stack up against others?

Am I smart enough, pretty enough, talented enough, loving enough?  What is enough?  I believe that we all are enough if we live with authenticity.  When we honor who we truly are, who God created us to be, we live authentically.  Why do we question so much who we are?  God created me to be me just as He created you to be you.  No comparison necessary.  We do not need to be like someone else.  We do not need to try to measure up to someone else's expectations.  We only need to be true to who God intended us to be.

Now, does that take some figuring out who exactly that is?  Of course.  But with His help and guidance, it can be done.  Is it a process that will last the rest of our lives?  I think so.  He is always developing and growing us.  How do we know who He say we are?  Scripture tells us.  The Holy Spirit within us tells us.  My favorite scripture in this season of my life is Romans 8:28-38(below) in which I have found my identity.  It tells me that He chose me before I was born, that He called me according to His purpose for me, that He is using all things for good to make me all that He created me to be, and that I am more than a conqueror through Him.  Most of all, it tells me that I am loved by Him and nothing can ever separate me from that love.  I am enough for Him!  I am His princess warrior!  The daughter of the King girded in the armor of His love!

Romans 8:28-39

28 [a]We know that all things work for good for those who love God,[b] who are called according to his purpose. 29 [c]For those he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, so that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30 And those he predestined he also called; and those he called he also justified; and those he justified he also glorified.

31 [d]What then shall we say to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son but handed him over for us all, how will he not also give us everything else along with him? 33 Who will bring a charge against God’s chosen ones? It is God who acquits us. 34 Who will condemn? It is Christ [Jesus] who died, rather, was raised, who also is at the right hand of God, who indeed intercedes for us. 35 What will separate us from the love of Christ? Will anguish, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or the sword? 36 As it is written:

“For your sake we are being slain all the day;
    we are looked upon as sheep to be slaughtered.”

37 No, in all these things we conquer overwhelmingly through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor present things,[e] nor future things, nor powers, 39 nor height, nor depth,[f] nor any other creature will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Childlike Faith

Just recently, my 5 year old grandson and I were talking about someone that he knew that had passed.  He told me that this person had died and gone to heaven so he wouldn't be able to ride his tractor anymore.  He then proceeded to ask me, "Why did Jesus have to die on the cross?"  He's 5!  How do you explain salvation to a 5 year old.

Thankfully, the Holy Spirit gave me an answer that seemed to satisfy him.  I said, "We as human beings make mistakes all of the time and some of those mistakes can keep us from going to heaven.  But when Jesus died, rose again, and went to heaven, it was so He could make a way for us to go to heaven."  In talking about it, I realized that I wanted him to understand that Jesus didn't leave him alone.  He knew that there is God the Father and God the Son, but I also told him that there is God the Spirit.  I told him, "Jesus went to heaven, but left the Holy Spirit to live inside of you.", at which he gave me a look, like "Say What"!!!  I then explained to him that the Holy Spirit is there to help him make good decisions.  That he would let him know what is good and bad, right or wrong.  He seemed to be okay with that and went on to play.

Oh, that we would have that kind of child like faith.  That we would ponder on the cross and think about why Jesus died there.  That we would marvel at His resurrection.  That we would wonder if he left us alone here to struggle on our own, only to discover that He is with us always, guiding us along the way.  Can we remember when we first understood the concept of the Trinity?  (As far as anyone can) I know that I grew up not knowing much about the Third Person, that I now treasure so much.  It seemed that most "grown ups" were frightened by and of the Holy Spirit.  But isn't it comforting to know, we never are alone.  No matter how desolate we feel and how impossible the circumstance, He is always there with us.  There is nothing of which to be frightened.

Jesus said that He would leave the Holy Spirit with us and that we would do far greater things than He!  Just imagine what we could do if we truly tapped in to the power available to us there.  So fear not!  YOU ARE NOT ALONE!  All Things Are Possible With God!  Feel His embrace, His presence, His love.  Lift up your face and see His loving gaze upon His child and accept that love with the untarnished innocence of a child.  Because, that is exactly how He sees you!  His Beloved!!!

Past, Future, Present

As I sit here pondering on what it is I should share with you here, I hear the clock tick and a bird sing it's good morning song.  Time marches on and a new day begins regardless of where we are in our lives.

It makes me aware of the fact that just as we can't stop the sun from rising and ourselves from aging, we also can't change the past and we don't know what the future will bring.  So why do we spend so much time rehashing the past and worrying about the future?  It's truly futile.

Yes.  We do need to address the past so that we can understand where we came from and so that we can work through and heal from any hurts, traumas, disappointments, etc.  Yes.  We do need to plan for the future so that we can take care of ourselves and those we love.  But why do we waste so much of the present on the past and the future.  GUILTY!

This is why one of the things that I am working on is to be more present.  Present in the present to myself and others.  Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is not guaranteed.  Cliche' I know, but true.  Present to myself so that I can be aware of and enjoy more of what is going on around me with nature, people, and events.  Present to myself about myself as to where I am personally and where I need to go, in the areas I need to grow and the things I need to let go of.  Present to others so that I can hear and see what it is they need from me - a word, a smile, a hug, a listening ear, to be left alone, and so on.

The past is part of who we are, there is no need to live there anymore.  The future is a far away land to which only God knows the way.  Be present.  Enjoy the moment.  Present the present of the present to yourself!

Love Better

I'm am writing this with at most 2 hours of fitful sleep so I may not make much sense.  Not sure why I initially couldn't sleep but then that burgeoned into pain which led to how do I reduce that enough to fall asleep.  Therefore, enter Mr. Ben Gay!  Helps to trick my brain to focus on the burn instead of the pain.   I think I slept a little between 3 and 5 because I did dream some.  In the dream, that made no sense, I remember trying to get everyone's attention and no matter what I did, no one saw me or if they did, simply overlooked me.  Ever feel that way in your life?  Overlooked?  Invisible?

In reality, I think that we are all overlooked and invisible to most people, even to ourselves.  Most people see only the "public" us which includes the assumptions, judgements, stereotypes, and perspectives from their world view.  It also includes the persona that we choose to allow others to see.  The safe persona that doesn't expose the real us to others.  And as for us, we often see ourselves as the person that others say we are and/or remain only at the level of the actor on this stage of life that we portray to the world.

Who are we really?  In in today's Gospel, Mk 3:31-35, Jesus calls us His mother, His brother, His sister.  He says that whoever does the will of God is part of His family.  I don't know about you but that excites me!  That I am chosen by Him and if I but follow Him, I belong to His family.  That is who I want to be.

I don't know too many people that come from perfect families of origin.  Actually, I don't know anyone that does.  I certainly didn't.  Did I love them?  Did they love me?  Absolutely!  But that was and is an imperfect love.  Only His love is perfect and something to be desired.  Do we strive for that love?  Or do we spend all of our time pretending we are something we are not or trying to fit someone else's mold?  I want to be all that He created me to be so that I might be worthy of being called His!

How do I get there?  Only through the power of the Holy Spirit within will I be able to attain that goal.  It is through discovering and connecting with Him that I will have the strength, courage, and grace that it takes to do God's will.  In this season of my life, I sense that He is calling me to listen more to His inner voice, to draw upon and be obedient to that voice, and most of all, to love better.

We all have been hurt and walk around wounded with bandages that look and act more like walls.  Fortresses around our hearts.  I think only Our Lord can nurse us back to health so that we might allow those to fall away.  And by doing so, to be willing and able to love better.  To love without fear knowing that we are not alone and that no matter what, He will always love us.  He can't not love us because He is love and we belong to Him.

Then how are we to love better?  What is it that I need to do?  Again, I feel that by tapping in to the Holy Spirit within, allowing Him to speak to my heart and mind, that I can be who God created me to be and learn to love without fear and with abandon.  Oh, Lord, that you might heal our broken hearts, that we might love You better and through that love, love one another as members of the family of God.

Only His love will free me to be my authentic self.  To be the beautiful butterfly that He brings out of the dark cocoon with wings that are His work of art with pattern and color, to fly high on the winds of His Holy Spirit leading us to our final destination, into the arms of Jesus!  Amen!

I close now because as you can see from the comments above, I've got work to do!  Spread your wings and fly brother and sisters!

Walk On Water

Okay.  I am going to give this a try again.  I have been gone for a while working some things out for myself and not in a place where I felt like writing.  I think and hope that I am now in a place that I can draw on my creative juices and on The Lord for inspiration to be able to commit to writing on a regular basis.

I recently attended a workshop on The Holy Spirit.  The main precepts I received from this were being docile and obedient to The Holy Spirit.  In other words, to be open to receiving direction from Him and then to follow His guidance and instruction.

I have always had a love and affinity for The Holy Spirit and have tried to be obedient to His promptings.  I have not always been successful at doing so.  I have found that when I am focused on the difficulties of daily life, of old hurts from the past, on the struggles with my health, etc., it is very difficult to hear from God and even more difficult to be obedient.  When I focus on and open myself to His love and mercy, it is then when I can receive His guidance and then when it is easier to follow those promptings.  Just as when Peter focused on Jesus, he was able to walk on water.  The minute he took his eyes off of Jesus and focused on the storm around him, he sunk.

What are you focused on?  Are you walking on water with Jesus or are you sinking in your own storm.  Look up and He will reach out and save you from yourself.

I will do my best to remain focused on The Spirit and not "my world" and continue to post any insights or struggles here that we might walk this walk together.  Hopefully we can all learn to "walk on water" towards the true person that God created us to be, in order that we might live according to the purpose for which He created us; that we might walk toward the embrace of our Savior.

Old Lady

I don't feel like the age of 60, which is what I am, to be old.  I used to think that my parents were old at that age, but now that I am, I no longer think this.  However, I am unfortunately having to face the fact that I am getting older physically.  Due to my chronic illnesses I feel much older.  I often told people that I feel like I am 30 on the inside, I am 60 by the calendar, but now I feel like I am 80.

My energy level is very low.  My stamina minimal.  My pain level high.  My mental capabilities slowed.  Sounds like an aged person; an old lady, huh!  Well it stinks!  One that doesn't have the energy or desire to do things that came naturally to her all of her life.  I know that everyone gets older but I feel that I am aging much faster than I would normally.

It is so frustrating, depressing, and discouraging to want to be who you used to be and you just don't have what it takes to get there.  It is the same when you want to be more that you have ever been and just don't have it in you.  Study?  I can't hardly read an article and definitely struggle reading books, because my brain can only absorb so much at a time.  For someone that used to be an avid reader, it's unbelievable.  Now I even am struggling singing due to a weakened vocal cord!  Singing is like breathing to me.  How do you not breath?  How do you not sing?  I have no idea!  It's like losing part of my soul.

In other words, I have lost myself to illness and age!  It does STINK!

Rollercoaster Ride

Living with chronic illness is like a rollercoaster ride.  Not the small carnival coaster, but the big giant rollercoasters that create screams, tears, and vomit.  You never know what's up ahead around the next curve.  Will it take you up or down?  Will it slow or speed up?  Will it tilt side to side or make you feel like your about to fly out and die?  How long will it last?  Will it ever stop?

You approach the coaster with trepidation, not knowing what to expect.  You get off the coaster with the relief of being back on solid ground.  You may get sick to your stomach at the experience you just had.  Does that sound like fun?  Maybe it is in an amusement park.  It is not fun, when you live it every day.

What most people don't realize that there are many of us walking around, looking normal, doing normal things who live this way.  We are not disfigured.  We are not walking with a cane or walker, not riding in a wheelchair.  However, disabled we are.  But because we look like everyone else, it is assumed that we are not in pain, that we are not fatigued, that we are not battling depression, that we are not struggling with brain fog, that we are capable of everything a healthy person can do. We are judged when we don't do the things that others can do.  We are judged to be lazy, unmotivated, disorganized, even stupid or crazy.

Those of us that suffer from chronic fatigue, rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia, and other autoimmune and systemic diseases have the same want to as anyone else.  They just can't always do.  They have dreams of doing new things and going to new places.  They just can't always fulfill those dreams.  They have needs of maintaining a healthy weight by exercising and eating right.  The just don't have the energy to exercise, dread having additional pain on top of their existing pain, and they eat comfort foods to sooth themselves in their depression over their illness.  They are then judged again for not being strong enough to overcome these things.

Those of us with these hidden illnesses grieve.  We grieve the person we used to be.  We grieve the effects it has on our lives.  We grieve the loss of respect from other people.  We grieve the impact it has on those around us.  We grieve the dreams for the future that are lost.  We grieve the life we hoped to have being able to travel, to be able to learn knew things, to be able to handle grand babies without fear.  We grieve being left out of things because people don't know if they can rely on us.  We grieve the lack of understanding and compassion from others.

We don't want pity.  We don't want you to feel sorry for us.  We want to be understood.  We want to be trusted when we explain ourselves to you.  We want to be loved and encouraged.  We want acceptance of this version of ourselves.  We want to do the best we can with what we have even though sometimes we can't.  We want to get off of the rollercoaster of pain and fatigue.  We want to be our "normal selves".  We can not be the old normal and have to accept our new normal as best we can.  It would be nice just to maintain a level track without the constant surprises around the bend.   It would be nice just to be back on level ground.

PILING ON

I have to admit that I have not been up to blogging.  I have to admit that I am not feeling my most positive self.  I have to admit that I have been letting things get me down.

What are those things?  My health issues.  Besides the fibromyalgia I was diagnosed with in 1994 and the proceeding rheumatoid arthritis diagnosis soon to follow along with chronic fatigue.  I have endured a number of maladies along the way.  I have had to have multiple surgeries, one of which was to remove the left lobe of my thyroid.  Hence, my recent diagnosis of hypothyroidism!  I now have to take a medication (synthroid) to compensate.  I know lots of people that take it and most have had issues about regulating the dosage.  Something else to deal with.

For those of you that don't know, fibromyalgia is a condition that causes widespread pain throughout the muscles of the body.  Just recently they have concluded that it has to do with a cell that is in the blood vessels that deals with pain perception.  Fibromyalgia patients have more of the blood vessels therefore more of these cells, therefore more pain.  It is not in our heads!

Rheumatoid arthritis is an autoimmune disease in which the body attacks the joints.  It is painful and can be debilitating.  Luckily there are medications that slow down the progression of the disease.  The chronic pain of this and the fibromyalgia also cause extreme fatigue.  I have had to have shoulder and foot surgery due to the arthritis.  I also had a hysterectomy to alleviate that pain and other symptoms so I didn't have that piling on of misery.

I have gone to chiropractors, physical therapy, massage therapists, holistic therapists, specialists, etc.  One specialist was the head of rheumatology in New Orleans at Oschner's.  He asked about my job and told me that if I went back to it that the stress would kill me.  He said that my body could not handle stress.  At the time, I was so fatigued that I could barely make it through the week and had to rest each night and all weekend.  I had no life and could hardly hold myself upright.  I resigned the following week.

Not long ago, I began having chronic lower back and hip pain.  An MRI revealed that I have a bulging disc at L4/L5 and arthritis in my vertebrae.  I had 3 lumbar injections which did not help.  I have been doing physical therapy for months now.  I get some relief but then the least little thing flairs it up again.  I just started a new round of PT just to try to keep the pain somewhat under control.

Here of late, I have been feeling very fatigued and now understand that it is the hypothyroidism on top of my regular fatigue causing this.  I sure hope the medicine helps otherwise I may have to cut back on the things I do again. NO!!!

It seems that just when I am trying to do better as far as exercise and diet, something else hits me.  I have been going to a place that works with you on fitness adapted to your medical conditions and nutrition with the goal of reducing inflammation in the body and to lose weight.  I have lost 20 lbs since April.  I have  improved in several areas that they measure as in balance, flexibility, and so forth.  I will continue to go there to strengthen myself and to lose weight in hopes that that will help me to move better and have less back and leg pain.

As usual I try to push through and continue to do the things I need to do.  Sometimes I just need to shut it down.  I would love to right now but I have made commitments to others and want to follow through.  I try not to get discouraged, but right now that's where I am.  As I've said before, I will have my pity party and then pull myself up by the bootstraps and keep on keeping on.

Although I don't understand the reason for all of this, I trust that The Lord with bring me through it.  I just pray that I can do so with grace.  Right now I don't feel so graceful and feel like I am at the bottom of a dog pile!

I will go on.  I will persevere.  I will lift my head, eventually.

COMMITMENT

I hesitate to speak of commitment here since I have not been diligent about writing each day.  Not to make excuses but I have had limited amounts of energy and have been having difficulty putting my thoughts together.  Hopefully that will improve shortly!

Back to commitment.  What is a commitment?  Is it the one you make to your spouse when you marry? Of course.  Is it the one you make to your employer that you will show up each day?  Hopefully.  What about when you tell someone that you will get something done; will show up for some event; will pray for them.  These absolutely should be.

I have to say that I have not always lived up to this.  I have to say that often my health issues have gotten in my way.  I have to say that I have let people down in the past.  I also have to say that I am doing my best to do a much better job of living up to my commitments.  Something else I have learned is to not make a commitment I am unsure I can keep and/or to express that to the person asking.  It is okay to say no and also to say maybe.

There are some situation where you must be able to be very clear as to whether or not you can commit and if so, do it.  When you tell a friend that you are available to help at anytime or to listen anytime, you need to follow through, you need to take that late night call.  If you commit to care for someone that's ill or grieving or whatever, you need to show up.  If it's to provide a meal, do your best and deliver.  Whatever that need is, you must keep that commitment and give your best.

If you resolve to lose weight and get healthier, that is a commitment to yourself.  If you resolve to forgive those that have hurt you, work on it.  It's a process not the flipping of a switch.  Persevere, pray, and find your way there.  It is also a commitment to yourself, not to who you need to forgive.  It is very freeing and allows you to look to the future and not the past.  If you sign up for a workshop, a committee, the choir, a team, etc., be there.  People are counting on you.  Again, it will help you in developing a reputation of being dependable.

If you commit to God, pursue Him in all you do.  He has already pursued you and will continue to no matter what you do.  Give Him the same kind of commitment (as far as is humanly possible).  We can never out give Him.  If you commit to a relationship with Him, spend time with Him.  Talk to Him.  Listen to Him.  If you say you love Him, let Him love you back.  When you do this, you can then share His love with others.  Through this and all you do, glorify The Lord.  This is the most important commitment of all and in this you can become a true disciple of Christ.  The more you love Him, the more of your life you will commit to Him.

If you commit to doing and being the best you you can be in Christ, His love will fill you to the full and carry you through life in both the good and bad times.  I have been with Him on the mountaintop and He has been with me in the pit.  He has shown His love to me and He has pulled me out of the valley of victimhood.  He gives me love, strength, courage and peace!

Deut 6:5 You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.

Now that's commitment!

WHO? WHAT? WHEN? WHERE? WHY?

The last several days, I have been pondering on what it is I needed to say here.  I have come up with a lot of different topics, but I will try to pull it together here.

First,  I wanted to write about "Being Me"; me with two of my main traits of being passionate and being honest.  Many would say too passionate and too honest.  But these are what make me "me".  When I feel anything, I feel it deeply.  If you ask my opinion or advice, you will get my honest opinion, not just what you want to hear.  There has been both judgement and appreciation for my intensity and for my truthfulness.  Often misunderstood, I have done my best to remain true to who God made me to be.

Second, I wanted to talk about being a Spiritual Being having a Human Experience.  Quite frankly, the human side can often be difficult with heartaches, sickness, tragedies,  and just the world in general.  I would call it "sucky" at times.  I would call it downright confusing when things happen that you can possibly understand with human rationality.  Something like a four month old getting brain cancer!  Impossible!  But the spiritual side, is a different story.  It is the divine and the sublime. It is the direct connection with one's maker that through all of the confounding, challenging parts of life, gives you strength and peace to carry you through the tough times.  It also moves you forward in your journey towards the Creator!  It gives you the courage you need to step out in faith and challenge yourself to step out of your box to further the Kingdom of God.

Third, when does one become "old".  I used to think that 40 was old.  Now I'm 60, so what does that make me.  As I get older and more mature, I hope, I realize that you may age physically, but inside you are still the same person.  It is just the container that gets dented and rusty.  The you inside changes and matures, but it doesn't "age".  You are who you are regardless of the numbers of years you have lived.

Just found out that I'm have hypothyroidism.  One of the systems, inability to focus.  No wonder I have had such a hard time writing.  I hope to do a better job in the days to come.

What About Prayer?

I had a friend ask me a question about prayer that got me to thinking about it.  "If God knows everything and has a plan already for your life, what's the point of praying?"  Someone said that you shouldn't ask Him for things to work out the way you hope.  

Not that I have done extensive research, but I have gone to the experts/ mystics that I know of and look to for direction.  Julian of Norwich,  Merton, Richard Rohr, Bishop Robert Barron.  From some a what they say on prayer, here is my assessment.  

Prayer is about a relationship with God, about union with God.  He does know all but wants us to come to Him in love with all of our nakedness and vulnerability.  We should approach Him with trust knowing that it is all in His hands, but He wants us to share our feelings, our fears, our desires, etc.  But we also need to listen and hear Him when He says all will be well because He is in control.  

Why would we have petitions in church if we weren’t suppose to petition Him for our needs?  Why would we pray to the Blessed Mother if we weren’t suppose to ask for her intercession in our needs?  Why do we pray to the saints, if not to get help in getting our prayers answered?  Why would we go to one another for intercessory prayer?  

I am in conversation with Him all day.  Granted I don’t spend enough time in contemplative prayer, but I’m working towards that.  Also, why would we go to Him in adoration were it not to lay it all out at His feet?  We must first come to Him with trust, thanksgiving, and worship.  But we are His children.  If prayer to Him about our concerns is what we need, would He deny us?  The bible says no, He would not deny us.  

Prayer is a very personal thing that is at the core of your relationship with God.  I believe that we all need to find our own way to communicate with The Lord and to listen for direction from Him as to if we are getting it right.  If you truly go to Him in sincerity of heart, that’s all He wants.  To love you and to be loved.  He sent Jesus to die for us so that He could be in relationship with us.

Is there so much more to say about prayer?  Absolutely.  Is there so much more for me to learn about prayer?  Definitely!  I look forward to that part of my journey and to continuing my conversation with my Father, my Poppa.  He places me on His knee for our chats.  He wraps His arms around me to comfort me and give me courage.  He listens, He speaks.  I hear, I trust, I follow.  I love Him and He loves me back more than I can fathom. It's all about His love and accepting it and sharing it with others.  It's all about relationship!

Pray on people!  Your Poppa will listen!

Who Am I? Who are you?

Who am I?  I am the baby of my family of 4 siblings.  Two brother and one sister.  I grew up in small towns.  I was a good student and went to the local college.  I wanted to go away to study music but that was not allowed.  I have been singing all my life.  It is at the core of who I am.  I studied nursing instead but due to my circumstances at the time, I quit, took some business classes and went to work as a secretary, soon to be an office manager.

You see, whatever task I am given, I do it well.  It didn't take long for me to be promoted and to quickly become my bosses right hand.  After 13 years there I became a purchasing agent elsewhere and left as a procurement coordinator.  Should have been a director, but I didn't have a 4 year degree and was of the wrong gender.  But I was very good at what I did and was heavily depended upon.

I got married and had 2 step kids that lived with us.  I had to be organized to have a full time job and learn how to take care of my immediate family.  And I did that too.  My husband prospered in his career, my step kids became awesome adults, and I had a good run in my work life before I had to resign due to my health.

When it comes to my health, I was told by my doctor that all of my ailments would not stop me because of my attitude.  Growing up I was told I was stubborn.  I call it determined.  I was told I was different, even strange.  I call it unique, special.  I was told I was bad, wrong.  I call it independent.

I tell you all of this to say this:  I am nothing!  Yes, I can sing.  Yes, I used to be a great dancer.  Yes, I can write.  Yes, I was able to be a great administrator.  Yes, I was able to help raise beautiful children and have been my husband's biggest champion.  I have 6 fabulous grandchildren whom I love very much and they love their Nanna.  Yes, I have been told that I have the Charisms of Encouragement and Evangelization and am a natural spiritual advisor.  But none of this is of me.

Without God, I have nothing, I am nothing!  Every breath I breathe, every step I take, every gift or talent that I have comes from Him.  He planned me.  He created me.  He has been with me every moment of every day.  He has taught me, He has healed me, He has given me peace.  And of course, He has given me Jesus' example to follow and the Holy Spirit to enable me to accomplish this along the road of my journey toward's Him.

He has numbered the hairs on my head to the days of my life.  I am nothing without Him, but.............I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.  Phil 4:13.

I AM HIS AND SO ARE YOU!

Grace, Not Perfection

I have a t-shirt that says, I operate under grace not perfection.  Yesterday, I had it on and a young woman commented on it.  It seems she had heard something similar at church the day before.  We talked about it and I told her, "It's just about showing others the love of Jesus, not be perfect."  She said that she needed to hear that and that she would take it as a Word from God.  That's exactly what it was.  I thought to say other things but The Lord told me it's just about the love.

So many of us have set standards for ourselves that God has not set for us.  Yes, there are things that we are supposed to do and not do.  But all of these should come out of our love for Him.  Not because we have to do it to earn His love or a ticket to heaven.  The more we learn about Jesus Christ, the more we fall in love with Him.  The more we fall in love with Him, the more we want to serve Him by doing the right things and sharing His love with others.

It is by grace that we are able to accomplish these things.  Grace is the gift that keeps on giving.  It is gifted to us by The Lord anytime we pray.  It is gifted to us whenever we go to church to worship Him.  It is gifted to us when we hear His voice and follow His will.  As a Catholic, I believe that I receive an abundance of graces from going to reconciliation and receiving eucharist.  Graces that enable us to grow in our understanding of what is required of us on our journey.  Grace that enables us to love Him more.  Grace to love others more.

Grace also can enable us to be more in sync with the Holy Spirit that lives within each of us.  Being able to go to Him and hear His voice and follow His direction.  Grace can open our eyes to see the needs of those we encounter on a daily basis and give us the courage to reach out to them.  Grace gives us the right words to say and the right things to do.

All of us have our struggles and sometimes just acknowledging that in the other helps.  Sharing a word of love, compassion, understanding.  Giving that much needed pat on the hand, squeeze of the shoulder, or a sincerely loving hug.  Grace can provide us with the deep well of love that comes from The Lord that we always have to give to others.

This is what it's all about.  Not being perfect.  It is all about love.  Loving The Lord with all your heart, mind, and soul and loving one another as He has loved us.  He died for us so that we might live and have life abundantly.  He did not die for us to walk on eggshells trying to be perfect.  He was, is, and will always be the only perfection.  His sacrifice has given us this gift of life and of love.  His love for us and our love for Him give us the grace that we need to live to serve Him and in turn, serve others.

So don't beat yourself up if you aren't perfect, if you stumble, even if you fall.  He is there to pick you up, fill you with grace, and to help you to do better next time.  Life is not a test.  It's a journey towards a life with Him for eternity.  Oh Happy Day!